Only two more sleeps until my departure for The North Face 100 Thailand.
On 01.26.12, In Races, Trail Running, by No Fooling Me
On 01.16.12, In Life Musings, by No Fooling Me
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
I told myself that you were right for me,
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know
Somebody that I used to know by Gotye
The most interesting discovery for me is that through this whole process of moving and reinventing myself that I have a new appreciation for everything that i have in my life. I am taking control of my career and choosing to end it while I am on top rather than being forced out. I don’t need material things and am happy to live in a small apartment (although a storage room for my bikes would be nice). I may have to develop an entirely new support network depending upon where I finally end up living but I think that is a necessary part of the process of reinventing myself for this next phase of my life.
I wonder if small town Canada is ready for the arrival of this eccentric old dude that likes to run the mountain trails at night and regularly spends entire days outside on his bike?
It will never be this clean again
I can see your grout
I sometimes wonder what running in daylight would be like
Oh Oh Activation Failure
Porthole to Hell
Happens to the best of us
Compression socks on for recovery
Night lights
Hanukkah canes!
A place where everyone knows my name
The year that was
A year long past
On 01.05.12, In Life Musings, by No Fooling Me
Today I had to force myself to do 4 things that I did not want to do.
- I contacted a plumber to fix my garbage disposal. It’s not that I have anything against plumbers it’s just that I have seen too many Holmes on Homes episodes. You know, those reality TV shows where people’s homes were ruined by shoddy work and/or they totally overcharged for simple work.
- I contacted a realtor. Again, I haven’t anything against real estate agents. It’s just the case that this step means i am now committed to the whole very stressful (and expensive) process of selling and moving.
- I started the big purge. Do I really need to keep every finisher medal or souvenir jersey from every race that I have ever done? The answer of course is no however it doesn’t make it any easier to part with things that have such an emotional attachment. It’s also very time consuming going through stuff one item at a time and deciding whether to
tossrecycle it or pack it up for moving. - I had to cancel out of crewing for Team 4 HIV Hope. I didn’t want to do it but I really can’t commit to support other people if I am not sure where I will be living in the next 5 months.
In addition if my move happens quickly then there is also the option to retiring this year instead of next. Yes, more uncertainty.
So with a little pain, it appears that I am taking a few steps toward starting the next phase of my life.
Happy Training!
On 12.31.11, In Life Musings, by No Fooling Me
I have a lot of mixed feelings regarding the messages that the “It Gets Better” campaign delivered in the social media blitz that went viral this past year. I certainly agree that teen suicide brought on by bullying or misdirected moral judgement is appalling and we should do what we can do to stop that behaviour. The aspect that I find troubling was the promotion of the belief that somehow your life magically becomes better when you reach adulthood. That is of course totally false. If you live your life like most of us, then your life should be filled with ongoing challenges. The upside of being an adult is that you have options that may not exist for you as a teenager. For example, you can choose to surround yourself with people that support your life goals/decisions and hopefully nourish your development. With a little luck you might discover the wonder of mutual love and if not, then giving the gift of love and support to others is a very noble and fulfilling endeavour. Personally, I am very grateful that I was never successful at teenage suicide because I would have missed the year that was in 2011, a year that I can only describe as “it doesn’t get better” (in a good way).
I know that many other people are writing end of year recaps and therefore it all becomes a bit tiresome reading through it all. But what if this past year was one of the most profound experiences of your life (this far anyway)? Wouldn’t it be disingenuous not to reflect upon those experiences and be thankful for them? Especially since I was able to accomplish several key milestones despite all of the challenges that life tossed my way.
Racing certainly dominated my life this past year. I find it interesting that 1/4 of all of the distances that I covered this year were within the context of a race. Which really fosters the debate around whether it is better to “race to train” or “train to race”. I don’t think there is really any clear answer but I suppose it would depend upon what your goals are.
Thats a lot of racing
As much racing as I did, I think that I was very surprised by how many races I had committed to and then didn’t do them. Three of my ultra-marathons were cancelled because of the heavy snow-pack in the mountains and then I pulled out of running the Leadville 100 because it conflicted with my training for Ironman Hawaii. I also cancelled out of a couple of Half Ironman races because of timing and fatigue issues.
In a big season of racing that included 3 world championships, it helped that I had such great support from my friends, family and co-workers. I was also fortunate to be welcomed into a new family when I was invited to join the Community Ambassador program at Speed Theory Vancouver.
If there was one aspect of 2011 that was consistent for me in 2011, it was that I took risks, something that I have not always been comfortable with. Not stupid crazy assed risks (although plunging through the darkness on a bike at 80 km/h on the backside of the Colorado Rockies might be questionable) but calculated risks that required a lot of thought (read angst). Luckily most of these risks resulted in opportunities for personal growth and even more important, larger social benefits. A lot of these risks required me to expose very personal aspects of my life into the harsh glare of the public spotlight. The discomfort that I might have felt doing that was certainly outweighed by the good that my actions brought for other people. I suppose the surprising aspect for me was the negativity that seeps in from the public realm, no matter how honourable your intentions might be.
Some milestones from 2011
- PR in the 50 km distance Hagg Lake Oregon. Ok, so maybe it was the flattest 50km course that I have ever done but it was still the fastest ;-)
- The death of my good friend Lorne. What can you say? So many things were left unresolved when he died suddenly this spring. All of the plans that we had made to do together after I retired suddenly vanished. I still can’t believe that he is gone.
- PR at Ironman distance. My race results were totally mixed this past year but I cannot complain if I somehow pulled off my fastest Ironman race at age 53 and in the process managed to qualify for Kona.
- I never thought I would ever race in Race Across America so when I was offered the chance, I jumped at it. Racing with Team 4 HIV Hope was one of the most profound things I have ever done. It was an experience that continues to influence my life and I very much value meeting the people that I shared that experience with.
- I received the TELUS Legend Award which is the highest award given to TELUS team members. It was such an honour to be nominated by my team although I find it a bit creepy to see my photo hanging in the building lobby every day when I go to work.
- The trip to Colorado with Chick Interrupted was really amazing. Volunteering at the Leadville 100 was great but was totally overshadowed by the enjoyment of exploring Colorado with my best bud.
- Racing at Ironman Hawaii in Kona this year was an honour and a dream come true for me. My family really did a great job of making the whole experience one that I will never forget. And man did we have fun!
- It was also an honour to race on the Canadian national team at the ITU Long Course World Championships. The weather did not cooperate with us on race day however I was still very proud to race with the team.
- This fall I also celebrated my 30 year anniversary at work. I wanted the event to be something unique and it certainly was as we all sat around on pillows in a Moroccan themed restaurant eating delicious food and drinking way too many Honey Badger shooters.
- For the 5th year in a row, I was fortunate to run in the 50 km version of the North Face Challenge in San Francisco. The weather was spectacular this year and despite being well off my usual finish time, I still pulled off a a 4th in age group.
So with everything that has happened in 2011, I am totally ok if “it doesn’t get better” in my life time. Not that there still aren’t faster races, more adventures and discoveries to be had but perhaps a slightly more personal and discreet existence might be in order. And I am working on just that!
Racing Hardware from 2011
On 12.28.11, In Life Musings, by No Fooling Me
Like many people, my budget is running a little tight this time of year. There are so many extra expenses that come with the holiday season. To add double damage to the pocket book, I am at the same time attempting to organize my upcoming race season which means pre-paying registration fees and booking travel. So with all this spending going on I suppose it was inevitable that I would receive this low-balance warning from my bank today. My initial thought was that it was very festive of them to send me such happy news during this special time of year. Oy vey, I suppose it’s better than not knowing.
Ps. Note my response. 
On 12.27.11, In Ironman, by No Fooling Me
Athlete #426 swimming in the 2011 Ironman World Championships
Ironic that I am attempting to put my life into boxes and shove it all into storage during the season of giving. However discordance with my surrounding environment seems to be a trademark of my life existence so thats nothing new.
Despite living in a total state of disruption, I was very happy to receive this painting from my buddy Kevin. He is a very talented artist and is particularly skilled at painting images derived from photographs. Which is what he has done here with a photo that was taken during the Hawaii Ironman.
And now I have been immortalized in art. Who would have believed it?
On 12.27.11, In Gay, by No Fooling Me
Well you know what is like when you first sleep with someone you don’t know?
Yes (nervous laugh).
It’s, you are like a canvas, a blank canvas and it gives you an opportunity to project onto this blank canvas who you want to be. And that’s what’s interesting because everybody does it.
Do you think I did it?
Of course you did. Well what’s interesting is that while you are projecting who you want to be, this gap opens up between who you want to be and who you really are. And in that gap it shows you what’s stopping you from becoming who you want to be.
The preceding is a quote from the movie Weekend which I have watched 3 times in the last 18 hours. It is not always an easy movie to watch. There is far too much drugs and alcohol for my liking, not that I am being judgemental but at some point that behaviour becomes self-destructive. Also the audio in the movie seems a bit challenged which is a pity because the dialogue is often quite brilliant.
The story is about two guys who meet in a gay bar and end up spending the weekend together. Initially there is a lot of posturing from them both however they are forced to grapple with these falsehoods quickly since their relationship only spans a single weekend. I especially liked all the very awkward and forced conversations that were played out amongst the backdrop of a gritty urban modern UK landscape. I also appreciated the very real human qualities that the characters portrayed. For example they often made mistakes, were not perfectly groomed, sex was sometimes bad, they didn’t always say the right thing and yet despite all of their flaws, I found their characters compelling and attractive.
There is no happy ending to this story (how could there be?). However I found it fascinating to observe how the story illustrates their emotional transition, one which sometimes required a complete reversal of their initial roles. And isn’t that a hallmark of true relationships? To be free enough to let your guard down, be vulnerable and create a supportive environment where you both can grow?
Or are relationships about betrayal, attempting to drag yourself out of your shit while telling stories of former glories all within the context of a fear of commitments and an inability to express emotion?
Perhaps you can watch the movie and then decide. Go on now, go ahead, you can catch it on Netflix.
On 12.22.11, In Life Musings, by No Fooling Me
This rocky journey has led to my spirituality today. For me, it is the combination of nature, sexuality, family, friends and the beauty of everyday life. Bringing joy into a world filled with hate, making people laugh, bonding with other men and creating my own rituals have made me look back on the journey with wonder. For me, God is life. Each day, I have been given the gift of life and I am thankful and grateful.
At Home with Myself by David Mixner
I like this quote from David Mixner’s latest book. I identify with the same components of life that define Mixner’s spirituality. Admittedly though, I cannot claim that I am thankful every day for the life that I have created however I am working on that mindset. Hopefully I will achieve a more consistent sense of gratitude in the near future. Until then, “every day I’m shuffling”.
On 12.19.11, In Life Musings, by No Fooling Me
Favourite pants awaiting the next adventure
It’s time to move on, to start the next phase of my life (hopefully not the last one). It seems that retirement may become an option for me in as little as 18 months from now. However I cannot retire and still have a mortgage and therefore I have put my flat up for sale and will be looking for lower cost living options. This is not an easy transition for me but then if important changes in life were easy then perhaps more people would be more proactive in taking charge of their future.
Not sure where I will end up. Unfortunately HIV plays a part in this decision making process and dictates that it woud be best to live within driving distance of one of the major cities in BC. Vancouver and Victoria are both pricey places to live so perhaps it would be best to move to one of the smaller Okanagan cities that are close to the Kelowna hospital. That choice would mean trading my urban life in the temperate northwest climate for a more rural existence in the arid wine country. A big change for sure, one that is not without risk but certainly one that offers me many options for adventure in this next phase of life.
